Dearest James, I went to the door today and the postman had delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a throughly thoughtful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised darling!
With deepest loves, Agnes
Dearest James, Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine...two turtle doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are truly adorable!
With all my love, Agnes
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! But I really must protest, I don't deserve such generosity. Three French Hens. My goodness. You're just a darling, of course, but I must insist, you've been too kind!
Dearest James, Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are plainly beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic dear.
Darling James, What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings! One for every finger! You're just impossible darling, but oh how I love it. Frankly, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves. I am glad you thought of something different.
All my love, Agnes
Dear James, When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep though all of the racket. Please stop.
James, What the hell is with you and those effing birds?!! Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this?!! There's bird shit everywhere! The little bastards never shut up, I can't sleep anymore, and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny, you weirdo!
OK Buster, The birds were bad enough, but what the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? And if that's not bad enough, they had to bring their damn cows!! There is crap all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house!! Just lay off me smartass, or you'll be sorry.
Hey Moron, What are you, some kind of sadist?! Now there's nine piper's piping! Christ! Do they play! They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The cows are upset and they're stepping all over the screeching birds. The neighbors are getting a petition against me.
You'll get yours! Agnes
You rotten SOB! Now there's ten ladies dancing! But they're not ladies! These broads are having a party with the pipers! Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea! My living room is a river of crap, and the building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause for having all of these animals. I'm calling the police, you creep.
One who means it!
Listen S*&thead! What's with the eleven lords a-leaping?At least the birds are quiet now, they were trampled to death. I hope you're satisfied.
Your sworn enemy, Agnes
Law Offices of Dewey, Cheatham and Howe
Dear Sir, This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes McHolstein. The destruction of her home, of course, was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. McHolstein at Happy Daze Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Shoppers have gone from mildly peevish to frantic. They snarl at the info desk when they have to wait and they're vicious in their attempts to jump ahead of someone else in line only to act surprised when we don't have what they're looking for in the store.
Well what did they expect, it's 3 days before the big day, of course we had what they were looking for 2 weeks ago, it wasn't 3 days before Christmas then.
Someone actually told one of my co-workers that he was 'becoming disenchanted' with her help.
Really? Really?! Did you not think that we were 'disenchanted' with half of the selfish, lazy, messy, and rude customers, like yourself, before our shift even started?!!
I would've told him to find the book himself.
In the past few days I've noticed that the customers are becoming more stealthy in their attempts to get assistance. They snag you in the aisles while you're putting things away or, in one man's case, you park yourself directly outside of the break room in order to ambush the first person that comes out.
Very true. I couldn't even make it to the bathroom.
But last night's guy was my favorite wacko of the night. We each pick one at the end of every shift and then bitch about them while we do clean up. Soooo, the next time you act like an ass in a store, know that you're absolutely the topic of conversation amongst the employees once the store closes, and we really don't pull any punches.
So, as I was speed walking back to the center of the store, because my 'disenchanted co-worker' was managing the crowd by herself, this guy launches himself at me from 10 feet away, while yelling 'Where's the New Age section?!'
He lands about a foot and a half from my face.
HHHeeeellllloooooo!!!! Personal space! Heard of it?!
I'm pretty sure if you look at the surveillance video you see me jumping back about 2 feet in horror. It was somewhat reminiscent of the old Batman TV show were they inserted the cartoon bubble sound effects.
Only my bubble didn't have a [KAPOW] or [ZAM] in it. Mine said [WHAT THE F*&^!]
I pointed towards the section he wanted, which we're soooo not supposed to do, and he skipped merrily off while I proceeded to mutter what a f*&ktard he was.
My only conclusion is that the customers have obviously lost their minds as they're all but tackling the staff in order to get help.
Do you think a football helmet would go unnoticed?
Part of my job working for B&N is customer service. Otherwise known as 'workin' the info desk'.
It's fairly straight forward, people come up to the desk and ask us if we have a particular book/product and if we do we take them to where it's shelved in the store.
Sometimes if I'm walking through the store to or from another task and I see a customer who looks wildly confused I'll ask them if they need help. Nine times out of ten, they do.
Sounds easy right?
And it is, provided the customer knows what they want. There are a few minor exceptions.
Let's take yesterday for example:
Customer standing in the Humor section looking confused...
Me (shelving a book): Do you need some help?
Customer: God yes. My wife saw this actress doing an interview on tv, she was a character from a show that isn't on anymore. She used to be on SNL, I think, and she had short hair. Maybe something to do with high school. The book's about crafting. Maybe. I'm not sure.
Anyway she wrote a book and my wife said she would like to read it, but I can't remember her name or the show.
Me: Was she older and in high school, with bad teeth?
Me: Strangers with Candy, that was the show. Let me go look up her name.
Customer: You can do that? Oh, that'd be great.
The book was Simple Times: Crafting for Poor People by Amy Sedaris
I also managed to pull a book about football out of practically nothing too for a different customer. This is what I got from her:
Customer: I saw this book about football in a magazine, it's fairly new. I even tore out the page so I could show you (bonus) but I lost it.
Me:**blinks** Alright. Why don't we go to the Sports section and see what we can do.
Do not even ask, but I found it on the first try. Really I have no idea how.
She was skipping down the isle, seriously, waving it too her friend that I found it.
So please, if you're looking for something try and have some idea, written down, before you get to the store. If you come out with I saw it on Oprah my head might explode.
Because honestly, I don't think I can perform too many more miracles before December 25th.
Is there someone in your family that sends the dreaded 'holiday update letter'? Yeah, me too but thankfully I managed years ago to successfully fall off of the family Christmas Card list . The gag factor was becoming waaayyyy too much.
I can be very stealthy like that. The avoidance is actually quite simple. Just move a few times and don't let them know. Problem solved.
Unless they call your mother to find out where you've gotten off too and then you're really up a creek.
I've never really been able to get behind the whole brag factor of these types of holiday wishes. Don't get me wrong I love the picture cards, especially the ones that include pets but the other business I can do without. For example:
"Our year has been utterly fantastic!!! Susie has been accepted at Yale, while Biff, Jr. is finishing out his senior year at Pretentious Prep School for Boys, our darling Buffy is still in Snooty Middle School Run by Cloistered Nuns and has grand aspirations of becoming a Prima Ballerina for the New City Ballet.
Clifford bought me the mooosssttt wonderful Range Rover for my birthday. I could just squeal all over again as if it were yesterday. In July we celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary in Morocco, just divine, you really must visit there if you have a chance."
Blah, blah, blah and more blah.
I care not.
Just wish me Merry Christmas and call it a day.
If you want you can throw in a Happy New Year but let's be honest, we haven't seen each other in over 7 years or is it 17. See? I can't even remember. Do you really think I give a crap?
That would be, um, no.
I don't know why this time of year makes me so freakin' cranky, ok, I might have touched on it a little bit here and last year my parents and I tried to skip town with the Kid for Christmas but it still caught up with me/us the minute we came home.
I heard somewhere that Scientologists celebrate Christmas. (nudge, nudge Jen on the Edge)
Maybe I'll give that a try.
Perhaps they frown upon the whole Christmas Card exchange and I'd be frrreeeeee!
Hello my loyal followers who haven't disappeared yet.
Lately, Frannieland has been a buzz with Christmas decorating. It's not that we deck all of the halls it's just that we have to venture into the outdoor shed to find all of said Christmas decorations and that's a project in and of itself.
I came home last night to the dog looking suspiciously guilty. The Boyfriend said he couldn't tell if he had eaten a tree ornament or not. There wasn't any tell tale evidence on the floor beneath the tree, which could mean one of two things, 1)he ate the evidence or 2)he wrecked something else that we hadn't found yet.
After further inspection under the tree I discovered a few remaining pink sequins and 3 or 4 pearl headed pins about a half an inch long.
In other words...evidence of an eaten ornament.
Me: Where's the rest of it?
The BF: Is that all you found? (Looking at the few pieces I had picked up.)
Me: You don't think he ate it do you? Why would he eat a mouthful of pins and styrofoam?
The BF: He's. A. Lab.
Since I have a number of ornaments that where handmade by my mother and grandmother I'm quite attached to them. I spent the next ten minutes looking at the tree trying to figure out which one he had eaten to determine how angry I was going to be. He already knew I wasn't happy but he hadn't gotten yelled at yet so in his doggie mind all was good.
That's when I saw it.
Still hanging on the tree was a pink sequined Santa Boot with the heel nibbled off. Apparently he had decided that the pins and sequins weren't too tasty, so he spit them out and left the rest on the tree.
It's the most wonderful time of the year, until you utter one or both of the following phrases:
1) You have to let the branches fall out...
2) We have to put the lights on...
before we can decorate the tree.
These are the two most dreaded phrases to kids waiting to decorate the Christmas tree, followed closely by 'You'll shoot your eye out.'
Saturday the BF and I went out to get our tree. Every year I hem and haw about getting a fake tree, I really hate the needle mess, but the smell of pine in the house trumps the cleanup every single time.
So while I was at work Sunday the BF put the tree in the stand in the living room and waited for me to get home so we could decorate. it.
I firmly believe that the quickest way to a divorce is to have you and your significant other hang the lights together. It ALWAYS ends in a fight, so while the BF made dinner, I put the lights on.
Since I have enough ornaments to decorate the entire neighborhood I had to pick and choose carefully. Our tree looks lovely even if it is only 7 feet tall.
Now all I have to do is figure out how to keep the dog from drinking out of the base.